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Repatterning

So in the end I let Jason talk me out of going to Rock Club.

I knew full well I wanted to go primarily to show that I wouldn't let myself, either of us, really, be bullied out of going. I wanted Jason to go so he could spend time with his friends, and so we were both representing, but he was too nervy to want to go with me; I can't help but feel the bullying may have in fact done its job. And he didn't want to see me brought down by it, even if I wanted to be brave and show a good face and be out and about. But I couldn't honestly say that there was going to be a single person there that would have had a kind word for me, and that it was primarily going to have been a lesson in practical stoicism and survival, like showing my face back at school in 6th grade after the slumber party where the cops got called because my stepdad had sexually propositioned one of my friends. (Lesson: this made me contaminated.) I can imagine a warm welcome, but I dream big. It wasn't going to happen with me just there by myself. But I didn't want that to hold me back. I'd lived through worse and there always has to be a first time. And I hated the idea of us being kept from going by one person's bizarre view of the world.

I think Jason also was pretty sure it was going to result in my being sick for a good deal of next week.

I didn't want to pressure him into going if he really didn't want to, though, and I didn't want him to not be going to see a band because of me, but it drove me crazy to think I was letting my life be forced by fear. And then he invited me to have a really nice French dinner after the show tonight, and that we would celebrate, together, him passing the test he needed to complete in order to submit his citizenship application with me this week, and I thought, yes, I should do this. It is about celebrating me and him and our future and it's really positive, and it won't make me feel like I'm turning my back and running away from someone who's decided to be hostile to me for no reason I can understand, but that I'm running toward something fun.

So. Positive option with no loss of self respect. Very very likely better for me getting my stressometer reset. Yes, I took that.

Thursday: papers get submitted for citizenship. Then we wait. And we plan our kayaking trip to Oban, and our trip to Carcasonne at the end of the summer. And the rest of life. It will all happen.

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