Here it is if you're interested in reading it: Not having a partner in my life is really not good for my mental health right now. I'm tired and sick and depressed and want someone I can come home to and not have to put a face on to and that will let me be miserable and still treat me with love and affection. I hate I don't feel well enough to go to the grocery store and then cook in the same day, I hate that I'm so absent minded because of this illness, I hate that I'm tired all of the time, and I hate that work could all go to shit and I'd be tossed out on my ear and up the creek financially. I'm worried I'm going to get in one of those really horrible black funks that sticks around for months and not have any way to make it back out. I feel really exposed and I desperately want someone to have my back and support me emotionally. Not happy right now at all; just trying to survive one day at a time and wishing my life were different.
I was then told that I was an attention whore for saying this, and cut off.
I can NOT tell myself I lost a friend when this happened, because NO friend would ever act like that. That was a selfish opportunist, a good time Charlie, a ... fair weather friend. If you drop people when they're not fun anymore, you are setting yourself up for some bad karma. And when you lose people when they do this, well, it makes it really easy for you to make decisions about who YOU will be there for, in their depression, in their illness, and in their joy and exuberance.
Thanks to the rest of you who've stuck around with me as I've slowly tried to crawl out of that hole. I'm still struggling with my health and I'm still having a difficult time managing the emotional flack of the last three months (I'm a prisoner of my immune system, and I'm experiencing everything in heightened emotional colors since I've been sick), but I feel like I'm clearer than ever as to who the right people are to have in my life. Spending last night with two great women made me feel, more than ever, that I'm on the right path, and that I need to stop suffering the experience of loss and focus more on the great people I do have in my life, because I have built a great circle of awesome friends in the last couple of years, and they're still here as I try to push through into my new life of managing a chronic illness.
Or, hey, maybe I'll level out in another month and it will finally go away. Fingers crossed! Updates after my visit to the doctor tomorrow.
Note: still losing weight. Hope I can level out and start putting muscle on soon.