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I am coming out of one of the worst weeks of my life. I'll probably be mostly recovered with just a bit more sleep, but the fear of ... everything I thought would happen, that I would never actually be better again, that I might be too afraid to ever walk out of the door of my flat again, will probably stay with me forever.

Jason and I just spent six days with each other, and the two nights before then and the night after. He selflessly looked after me all of this time and when I huddled miserable and afraid on the couch or in the bed, scared that I was just going to be like this nonstop forever, he sat there and cuddled me and told me I would be fine and reminded me of the good spots from just the day before and told me to be patient, I was getting better day by day. He did not get impatient with me. He was encouraging and supportive and utterly wonderful and I could honestly think, as I hugged him during the many hours I spent awake in bed (3 AM, 4 AM, 5 AM, 6 AM) that I was really and truly safe because he was there and he would make sure I was okay and looked after, fed when I needed food, protected from any bad stuff.

I spent a long time worrying during the last few years that, if I ever got sick, I would be suddenly abandoned and left to fend for myself. A life partner, I always thought, would stick with you through all of that ugly stuff and not complain about getting bored or about how you were ruining their good time because it was the middle of a party and suddenly you were immensely sad and you needed to leave. And I felt the lack of someone I had that kind of bone-deep trust acutely, even though I tried to not think about it. There's boyfriend material and then there's husband material. Jason was always husband material.

Jason proved to me the last week how right my feelings were about him from the very start, back in 1991, about, how, to the bone, he is the kind of person I could utterly trust to be loving and carrying and not keeping a tally to make sure we were "even" with each other: we were partners in the very deepest way. And partners don't keep score.

I am so glad to have him back in my life. And I'm glad to see how very right I was about the kind of person he is. And now I'm going to miss him every night he doesn't spend with me, but that's okay. I think I've found the little spot where he is always and that can take care of me when he is away.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 3rd, 2013 10:02 pm (UTC)
So glad to hear this - good luck.
Apr. 4th, 2013 12:40 am (UTC)
I've always thought he was a good guy and I'm glad he's able to show that to you again. I really hope things work out.
Apr. 13th, 2013 12:35 am (UTC)
There is something in my eye right now. That is beautiful.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


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