But for both of us, this was complicated by the explosion of an entire network of friendships, triggered by our decision to get back together. And this has made things much worse for both of us. At the very least, we have both been struggling with a considerable amount of grief over the loss of our friendships (although I was struggling beforehand with the fact that my illness was making it impossible for me to even have friends, as I was too weak to manage anything more than just get to work and even that has been difficult, and let's not even discuss how my illness has had me on an adrenaline hair-trigger fight/flight response for months).
But ... if I narrow down my worries, then maybe I can reduce my stress, and, well, the thing to do seems to be to just step away from the social stress, attempt to tamp down my grief, reduce the discussions of the past, and look at the future. I am going to spend the next two weeks NOT talking about the heartbreak of the last four months and talk instead about building and rebuilding. I will enjoy my time with my sister and my time with varina8. I will make plans to go kayaking. I will live my life like this "thought for the day" I saw at the Angel tube station last week:
And hopefully when I come back from America my background adrenaline levels will have dropped, my immune system will actually start believing I'm not in danger of attack at any minute, and I might actually start to get well. And maybe I will hear from people I haven't heard from in a long time, and they will want to see me, and that will be nice, and J and I will go out and start socializing again, which will be fun. And we'll start our running program, and I think we will both enjoy that a lot.