I'm having a nice time in Inverness. It's very relaxed and I feel very welcome.
It's also a good chance for me to check in on how I am doing, comparatively, in the eyes of someone who last saw me in November, when my illness was at its worst (and I was here with Richard), and then earlier last year in August,when R and I were on one of our many hiatuses (hiati?) and I was dealing with the feeling of rejection after realizing I'd lost one of my most treasured friendships in London.
According to my hostess, I'm not only healthier looking ,but I'm happier looking than I was last summer.
Something in my life is apparently working. And, per her, the thing with R was actively, and obviously, bad for me. And ,to my pleasure, even though I met her through him, she likes and values me still on my own. And she told me she was really excited about having me come and visit ,and I was kind of embarassed and yet pleased, because I tend to think of myself as a burden and a hassle. Being seen as "welcome" and "good company" and "our kind of people" just makes me feel really good.
She's also given me a reality check about the drama we've been through for the last six months. It was never anybody's business why J and I got back together and it was ridiculous that we thought we needed to justify ourselves or even explain to anybody, including J's now-ex ("it's over" being all he needed to say). Our friends should have accepted it as _our business_. It was never theirs to judge. (I am reminded of R saying J and I weren't welcome in what he now saw as "his" social circle "after what we'd done" and I am still flabbergasted as to what it is exactly that we "did," other than act like we were still married and had just realized that we actually wanted to be with each other.)
Anyway, most of the drama has died down, thank goodness, and the dust caused by the stampede of departing good-time-Charlies seems to have settled. I'm not getting abusive emails anymore, I never look anywhere I might see abuse being directed toward me, and while I still mourn the loss of an 8 year long friendship, I recognize that it set me up nicely for actually being able to succeed this time.
And now that the giant freaking stress machine has laid off, I'm actually getting better. I've done a lot of other things to further reduce stress, to actively burn adrenaline, and to try to chemically manage my urticaria, and ... you know, I do feel happier than I did last summer, not to mention how I felt in November. I don't really know where my life is going ,but after the wallowing pit of sickness, abusive emails/tweets/blog comments, and so on of November - March, I can't help but feel things are _actually_ looking up. Not to mention I can ride, draw ,and run better than I could three months ago.
Rah. Life. Bring it!