Part of this is because the way my dreams work. The relationships I have with people still exist in my subconscious whether they are visibly alive in waking life: so a lot of times I get to visit with my dead grandparents and when I wake up I actually feel a sense of contentment as if that was a nice visit, only it feels very real.
And now I'm having those kinds of visits with all sorts of people that aren't dead. Richard, I dream about him too regularly, doubtlessly caused by thinking about him so much when I am awake; in my most recent dream about him he told me that he certainly loved me but that dating me made him crazy so he had to stop. And I saw, last week (in a dream), Jason's old friend Adam, who sat down to lecture me on how much I had hurt him, but then wound up saying that really he just missed me (we hugged and made up); then the next night I dreamed about Jason's friend Ash, to whom I said, "I was trying to fix things but I just didn't know what to do." I'm probably thinking about him because I had meant for the tickets I bought Jason to Monty Python to be a thing he could do with Ash; but of course they're not talking to each other anymore, much like me & Adam and me and Richard. But that circular sense of time makes me feel like the connections and the friendships still continue to exist; somehow the stars will align again and we can dip into them and the closeness and feelings of deep affection will be there, untouched.
Or those are just the delusions I have to deal with grief. Oh well. If people aren't actually dead, the future still holds possibilities. Life is long and frequently makes lies of nevers and forevers, and if I focus on life's losses instead of life's possibilities, sometimes it seems like it's really just too much to bear.