Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維 (webcowgirl) wrote,
Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維

Dreams and time and Tim Powers

I'm reading a book by Tim Powers set in LA in 1994, and it's so odd: his talk of crazy people being (actually) haunted by ghosts just seems so very possible. I say this in part because I feel like my sense of time has changed, and like it feels like it's possible for me to access so many moments in the past at points in the future; almost like there are swirls of time going around me and I can just reach out with my spoon and taste 1989 again, or 2006, or 2013.

Part of this is because the way my dreams work. The relationships I have with people still exist in my subconscious whether they are visibly alive in waking life: so a lot of times I get to visit with my dead grandparents and when I wake up I actually feel a sense of contentment as if that was a nice visit, only it feels very real.

And now I'm having those kinds of visits with all sorts of people that aren't dead. Richard, I dream about him too regularly, doubtlessly caused by thinking about him so much when I am awake; in my most recent dream about him he told me that he certainly loved me but that dating me made him crazy so he had to stop. And I saw, last week (in a dream), Jason's old friend Adam, who sat down to lecture me on how much I had hurt him, but then wound up saying that really he just missed me (we hugged and made up); then the next night I dreamed about Jason's friend Ash, to whom I said, "I was trying to fix things but I just didn't know what to do." I'm probably thinking about him because I had meant for the tickets I bought Jason to Monty Python to be a thing he could do with Ash; but of course they're not talking to each other anymore, much like me & Adam and me and Richard. But that circular sense of time makes me feel like the connections and the friendships still continue to exist; somehow the stars will align again and we can dip into them and the closeness and feelings of deep affection will be there, untouched.

Or those are just the delusions I have to deal with grief. Oh well. If people aren't actually dead, the future still holds possibilities. Life is long and frequently makes lies of nevers and forevers, and if I focus on life's losses instead of life's possibilities, sometimes it seems like it's really just too much to bear.
Tags: friendships, lynx, relationships

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