Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維 (webcowgirl) wrote,
Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維

My life keeps happening; I am along for the ride

I'm still trying to unfuck my life 2 1/2 years since I got sick and everything changed.

I had to quit now a third job due to not being able to handle it physically/physiologically/mentally. It's all the same problem. My body is a pile of fucked-upness and sometimes it plays nicely and sometimes it says it can't cope and shuts down. So on one hand I really believe I'll be well enough to run a triathlon this summer but on the other hand I'm aware I could become homeless if I don't play my cards right because my body doesn't seem to be able to deal with the work I've been doing for the last 15 years and I don't know how to find an environment that won't cause it to shit out. I can be unemployed and in fantastic health but not able to earn a living or even get by in this country. Not sure how to play this out in the long term. Every day I'm making it up as I go.

I'm still not where I want to be emotionally. I've lived a loveless life for several years now - I think it may have contributed to my initial health collapse - and I want that to change. But the only thing I can change is me, and only some bits of me. So I'm working on how I feel about me, and continuing to work to build new friendships, and accepting that I may just be having to do the rest of my life on my own and figuring out how to make that life work as best I can. Mostly I want to try to keep from getting into the horrible depression that makes me want to just stop living as quickly as possible, and I've mostly staved that off for the last six months and more. I haven't cried in inconsolable misery for ages. I'm reading funny books. I have a silly dream of becoming a playwright. I try to avoid thinking about anything or anyone that upsets me. I cut mean people out of my life quickly. I run even though I hate it because it keeps my body from breaking down. I sleep whenever I can for as long as I need to. I try to forgive myself for taking a sick day because I'm having a panic attack and believe that I can almost surely be well enough to work tomorrow. One day at a time, right: one day at a time.
Tags: bad of the brane, panic, urticaria
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