I am suffering from another bout of Ex Angleterra Melancholia. It reminds me of why I have gone back three times in such short order ... to be here is to spend my days, at best, inadvertently building sculptures of the Tate Modern out of mashed potatoes or sitting in my chair with an off-polar tilt. At worst, I feel like ... I do right now, practically short on breath with missing. I kind of wanted to kick myself very late in the trip for doing this to myself, but I've always been one to embrace bittersweet pleasures. Right now I am saying "I miss" in the same way I will say "I'm hungry," over and over again when I think I'm not focused on my stomach but it is nagging at me constantly. I say it to the point of it seeming meaningless, to the point of it becoming almost a way of commenting on the weather or of saying "There is a sun," but today I am saying "there's a hole in my heart" and because I don't usually say this it almost seems novel. But its frequency of popping up in my mouth or my mind or at my fingertips means it must be losing its power quite quickly to others.
I know how to fix I Am Hungry. What do I throw in this yawning chasm to fix it? I will make myself stop thinking it and saying it and writing it with every rush of blood through my circulatory system - I will bundle it up and throw it in that place I keep things that hurt and it will become just a lump that smart people won't ask about, and I will distract myself from Now by thinking of the future, though I truly do not know what it will hold.
Sigh. I'm broken and I don't want to be fixed.