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I am up too early for a work day or anything except a trip to the airport. Thank God I made it through my 4 AM burst of "Hello, world, I'm here!" and got a few more hours of sleep. I'll use this extra time to go to the World's Most Incorrectly Named Bakery, " Specialties' " (doesn't it make your skin crawl?) and get a blueberry scone.

I am suffering from another bout of Ex Angleterra Melancholia. It reminds me of why I have gone back three times in such short order ... to be here is to spend my days, at best, inadvertently building sculptures of the Tate Modern out of mashed potatoes or sitting in my chair with an off-polar tilt. At worst, I feel like ... I do right now, practically short on breath with missing. I kind of wanted to kick myself very late in the trip for doing this to myself, but I've always been one to embrace bittersweet pleasures. Right now I am saying "I miss" in the same way I will say "I'm hungry," over and over again when I think I'm not focused on my stomach but it is nagging at me constantly. I say it to the point of it seeming meaningless, to the point of it becoming almost a way of commenting on the weather or of saying "There is a sun," but today I am saying "there's a hole in my heart" and because I don't usually say this it almost seems novel. But its frequency of popping up in my mouth or my mind or at my fingertips means it must be losing its power quite quickly to others.

I know how to fix I Am Hungry. What do I throw in this yawning chasm to fix it? I will make myself stop thinking it and saying it and writing it with every rush of blood through my circulatory system - I will bundle it up and throw it in that place I keep things that hurt and it will become just a lump that smart people won't ask about, and I will distract myself from Now by thinking of the future, though I truly do not know what it will hold.

Sigh. I'm broken and I don't want to be fixed.

Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
duranorak
Jan. 12th, 2005 03:47 pm (UTC)
Not that it helps, but I know exactly how you feel, especially today (but often, generally, as well). Painfully short of breath from the lack of something that I know isn't essential but that feels more essential than the breath I'm short of. It hurts.

Also broken, though for me some glue would be good,

E.
x
webcowgirl
Jan. 12th, 2005 07:10 pm (UTC)
Oh, you do understand how I feel precisely!
itsjustaname
Jan. 12th, 2005 05:16 pm (UTC)
Hmm... I'd try to make you feel better by pointing out all the bad bits of life in Britain (the prices, the interminable gray, damp days), but I wouldn't be sincere. I love Britain, I love the British people and I love being British. It's top. Sorry.

I could send you pictures of our green and pleasant land (or some dark, satanic mills if you prefer); you could stick them over every available surface, put on a fake Madonna-style accent and just pretend to be in England. I don't advise driving on the other side of the road though!

You'll be back. *hugs*
webcowgirl
Jan. 12th, 2005 07:12 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I need to come up with some plans for the next two months right now ... get back into my normal life. I was kind of excited when I got off of the plane and realized I had nothing planned for the next three weeks, but I think I had better get to work on changing that.
topbit
Jan. 12th, 2005 06:21 pm (UTC)
Does Seattle have a big British Expat community?
Maybe there's a pub :-)

I'll give you a Mashed potato Tate Modern - don't you dare think about doing the same with Dirt in your living room though.

Wanna hear something crazy? You are actually South of me. Yep, the south coast of England (at least where I am), is about Latitude 50.75 - and you've got that whole 49th thing North of you - King County is at about 47.5%.
webcowgirl
Jan. 13th, 2005 03:00 am (UTC)
Re: Does Seattle have a big British Expat community?
But the pubs here so rarely serve cider!

It was so great getting to meet you in person! You're very cool ...
topbit
Jan. 13th, 2005 01:29 pm (UTC)
Re: Does Seattle have a big British Expat community?
And if I was any more laid back, I'd be horizontal.
- and that really irks the Type-A personalities :-)

A very cool from a beautiful gal, and a shout-out from Phillip the Foole on the same day - I must be making it!
trenchwench
Jan. 12th, 2005 07:52 pm (UTC)
Brilliant reference/homage to Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind - you made my inner geek go all warm and fuzzy.

My sympathies for your Ex Angleterra Melancholia, your descriptive postcards from your frequent forays make me even more anxious to finally make my way over for a visit.

Welcome back. It's grey and cold and jus' a little dreary :)
webcowgirl
Jan. 12th, 2005 09:06 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, and I got you a present.
trenchwench
Jan. 13th, 2005 12:35 am (UTC)
Oh beyond evil.
Thanks for thinking of me ;)

And really, this *is* getting silly - we simply MUST do tea sometime soon.
reddragdiva
Jan. 12th, 2005 08:38 pm (UTC)
"inadvertently building sculptures of the Tate Modern out of mashed potatoes"

Photos!
webcowgirl
Jan. 13th, 2005 03:00 am (UTC)
Er, it had a big tunnel in the middle and was talking to itself, then was promptly eaten.
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )

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